Only Samuel L. Jackson

E.T.

Samuel L. Jackson (after seeing E.T. in a wig, dress and costume jewelry): Oh my fucking God.

E.T.: Samuel.

Samuel L. Jackson: What?

E.T.: Samuel. Samuel!

Gertie: I taught him how to talk. He can talk now. (She points to electronics and supplies in the closet.) Look what he brought up here all by himself. What’s he need this stuff for?

Samuel L. Jackson: ‘E.T.’ Can you fucking say that? Can you say ‘E.T.’?

E.T.: Eeee.Teee. E.T.! E.T.! E.T.! Be good.

Gertie: ‘Be good!’ I taught him that, too.

Samuel L. Jackson: You should give him his dignity. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever fucking seen.

E.T.: Phone.

Samuel L. Jackson: Phone? He said ‘phone’? He said ‘phone.’

E.T. (pointing to closet): Home.

Samuel L. Jackson: Damn right. That’s E.T.’s motherfucking home.

E.T.: E.T. home phone.

Gertie: E.T. phone home.

Samuel L. Jackson: E.T. phone home? (Understanding.) E.T. phone fucking home.

Gertie: He wants to call somebody.

Samuel L. Jackson: No fucking shit.

The Blues Brothers

Jake: First you traded the Cadillac in for a microphone. Then you lied to me about the band. And now you’re gonna put me right back in the joint.

Samuel L. Jackson: They’re not gonna catch us. We’re on a motherfucking mission from God.

Caddyshack

Samuel L. Jackson: So I fucking jump ship in Hong Kong, and I make my way over to Tibet. And I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.

Angie D’Annunzio: A looper?

Samuel L. Jackson: A fucking looper. You know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they fucking give me? The motherfucking Dalai Lama himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes. The grace. Bald. Fucking striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and fucking whacks one — big motherfucking hitter, the Lama — long into a ten-thousand foot crevasse. Right at the base of this fucking glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga. Gunga, gunga-motherfucking-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth, and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say: “Hey, Lama. Hey. How about a little something, you know, for the effort.” And he says: “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money. But when you die — on your deathbed — you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that going for me. Which is fucking nice. 

Toy Story

Buzz Lightyear: This is an intergalactic emergency. I need to commandeer your vessel to Sector 12. Who’s in charge here?

Aliens: The Claaaaaaw.

Alien #1: The Claw is our master.

Alien #2: The Claw chooses who will go and who will stay.

Samuel L. Jackson: This is motherfucking ludicrous.

Samuel L. Jackson’s Day Off

Samuel L. Jackson: Life moves pretty fucking fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a fucking while, you could miss it.