Only Samuel L. Jackson

What if Samuel L. Jackson was the only actor alive?

Jan 21

E.T.

Samuel L. Jackson (after seeing E.T. in a wig, dress and costume jewelry): Oh my fucking God.

E.T.: Samuel.

Samuel L. Jackson: What?

E.T.: Samuel. Samuel!

Gertie: I taught him how to talk. He can talk now. (She points to electronics and supplies in the closet.) Look what he brought up here all by himself. What’s he need this stuff for?

Samuel L. Jackson: ‘E.T.’ Can you fucking say that? Can you say ‘E.T.’?

E.T.: Eeee.Teee. E.T.! E.T.! E.T.! Be good.

Gertie: ‘Be good!’ I taught him that, too.

Samuel L. Jackson: You should give him his dignity. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever fucking seen.

E.T.: Phone.

Samuel L. Jackson: Phone? He said ‘phone’? He said ‘phone.’

E.T. (pointing to closet): Home.

Samuel L. Jackson: Damn right. That’s E.T.’s motherfucking home.

E.T.: E.T. home phone.

Gertie: E.T. phone home.

Samuel L. Jackson: E.T. phone home? (Understanding.) E.T. phone fucking home.

Gertie: He wants to call somebody.

Samuel L. Jackson: No fucking shit.


Jan 18

Titanic

  • Samuel L. Jackson: Rose, you're no picnic, right? You're a spoiled fucking brat, even. But under that, you're the most amazingly, astounding wonderful fucking girl -- woman -- that I've ever known...
  • Rose: Jack, I...
  • Samuel L. Jackson: No. Let me get this out. You're ama-- I'm not a fucking idiot. I know how the world works. I've got ten bucks in my pocket. I have nothing to offer you, and I know that. I understand. But I'm too fucking involved now. You jump, I jump. Remember? I can't turn away without knowing you'll be all right. That's all a motherfucker can want.
  • Rose: Well, I'm fine. I'll be fine. Really.
  • Samuel L. Jackson: Really? I don't think so.Those motherfuckers have you trapped, Rose. And you're gonna die if you don't break free. Maybe not right away, 'cause you're strong. But sooner or later...that fire I love about you Rose? That fire's gonna burn fucking out.
  • Rose: It's not up to you to save me, Jack.
  • Samuel L. Jackson: Goddamn right. Only you can fucking do that.

Jan 17

The Blues Brothers

Jake: First you traded the Cadillac in for a microphone. Then you lied to me about the band. And now you’re gonna put me right back in the joint.

Samuel L. Jackson: They’re not gonna catch us. We’re on a motherfucking mission from God.


Jan 16

Caddyshack

Samuel L. Jackson: So I fucking jump ship in Hong Kong, and I make my way over to Tibet. And I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.

Angie D’Annunzio: A looper?

Samuel L. Jackson: A fucking looper. You know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they fucking give me? The motherfucking Dalai Lama himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes. The grace. Bald. Fucking striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and fucking whacks one — big motherfucking hitter, the Lama — long into a ten-thousand foot crevasse. Right at the base of this fucking glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga. Gunga, gunga-motherfucking-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth, and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say: “Hey, Lama. Hey. How about a little something, you know, for the effort.” And he says: “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money. But when you die — on your deathbed — you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that going for me. Which is fucking nice. 


Jan 15

Toy Story

Buzz Lightyear: This is an intergalactic emergency. I need to commandeer your vessel to Sector 12. Who’s in charge here?

Aliens: The Claaaaaaw.

Alien #1: The Claw is our master.

Alien #2: The Claw chooses who will go and who will stay.

Samuel L. Jackson: This is motherfucking ludicrous.


Jan 14

Samuel L. Jackson’s Day Off

Samuel L. Jackson: Life moves pretty fucking fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a fucking while, you could miss it.


When Samuel Met Sally

  • Samuel L. Jackson: There are two kinds of women: high fucking maintenance and low maintenance.
  • Sally Albright: Which one am I?
  • Samuel L. Jackson: Oh, you're the worst motherfucking kind. You're high maintenance, but you think you're fucking low maintenance.
  • Sally Albright: I don't see that.
  • Samuel L. Jackson: You don't fucking see that? "Waiter. I'll begin with a house salad, but I don't want the regular dressing. I'll have the balsalmic vinegar and oil. But on the side. And then the salmon with the mustard sauce. But I want the mustard on the side." 'On the side' is a very big fucking thing for you.
  • Sally Albright: Well, I just want it the way I want it.
  • Samuel L. Jackson: I know. High motherfucking maintenance.